green eyed monster

Ok so envy is the green eyed monster and I'm feeling it. This person that I hate who was in the position to push me out of a job I loved now has that job herself. So yes I'm feeling the pain. So if you're reading this you horrible witch, laugh, laugh, you really got to me.

But you know I don't feel that bad. I was green for awhile but it's lessened substantially. Why? Because I believe in my magnificent life. I don't know how it will happen but I will get mine. The universe is huge and someone else's trash may be my treasure. So I don't want to be a hater. Hey that's almost a poem.

But seriously this person is really wicked. I believe you haven't had an effect on the world unless you've gained a true enemy. And this lady's mine. It's kind of scary really. And the fact that she is blessed with this great job just shows how God loves your  enemies too. That's the real lesson for me here.

God or the Universe loves everyone. Even your enemies. So good. God bless her because I certainly can't. She's not able to make the kinds of friends that I have and that's sad for her. She actually has a pretty sad life. So yeah, God bless her. And as Marianne Williamson always says what you give to others you really give to yourself. So God bless me.

living the dream

So basically my childhood dream was to be a ballerina. So much for that. But I'm still facinated by people who are living their dreams. I got a call from my sister Nancy today. And she's living her dream. She and her husband have bought a four acre farm not far from downtown Portland. They are in the process of building into a center for the community not unlike a Balinese water temple.

They have even created a mission statement for their project focusing on conservation, farming and community. They are busy building community partnerships and even in the midst of restructuring many of the main buildings managed to host a big fund raiser event for a non-profit.

I own an acre that could potentially be a farm but I'm just not the gardening type. I do have a prime directive about the property which is: don't cut down the trees. Even when they're right up against the building. Everywhere that Steven and I lived before we got this place, the landlord cut down a big tree. It used to make Steven cry when he was little. So I promised him that when we found our own place we'd never cut the trees.

But the big beautiful trees drop lots of debris which make the property hard to maintain. And I'm just not in shape enough to keep things in order. Maybe that will be my goal for this spring. One thing I know is that I will not cut down the trees. And they are magnificent. And they are part of living my adult dream which is something about living in a cabin in the woods, being creative.

happiness

I've somewhat been living like an orchid in a jar. So scrapes with the real world like yesterday's heist leave me worn out and with a migraine. I continue to feel badly about the need to take kids away form their parents. Yesterday's move was the right one, but still.

So I got some knitting done. Made one praire girl for my mom. And spent the evening trying to put together another gift box for Ashley. Ashley is someone who should have probably been taken away from her parents at a young age. For those of you who don't know she's my daughter-in-law in that she's been my son's partner for over ten years. I really like giving  her things.

Richard thinks I spoil Ash. But I never had a little girl who loved the girly things like clothes and jewelry so God has given me Ash. She's not easy to please. And most of the time I feel like I strike out but the joy I get when I get a hit is unparrelled.

I know I can't buy her love. But I'm not really trying to. I just want to see her happy. She's a joy when she's happy. She works really hard and has been a real support to my son so I love her. And I figure if if it makes me happy to send her gift packages so what? You only live once. Why short yourself the chance to make someone happy? There's so much unhappiness out there that given the chance to birng happiness, I want to carpe diem.

My Aunt

I spent seven hours with my older friend Barbara today. This included lunch at the Paradise. We discussed all manner of things from fashion to religion. Barbara is 80 years old and I enjoy her company immensely.

I think this is because I used to visit my Great Aunt Olive when she was in her 80's and I in my teens and we'd talk for hours. She was always interested in fashion. She taught me to knit, the same way I taught my neices to knit. She had a shoe box full of rings and was always working on some kind of hand work.

She had beautiful old bone china and a special dish for every dish. A fish dish for fish and a fruit dish for fruit. I loved her house which was an old Pasadena craftsman style bungalow. She loved to talk about all the politics of our family and the old scandals. She was interested in my boyfriends. And my hair styles.

I knew then that being 80 wasn't old; it was interesting. My Aunt had interesting friend that were older than she was. And she took me to visit them in her classic 57 Chevy, blue and white, that she had bought when it was new and just took really really good care of and of course still drove. She had a lead foot too.

One of her old friends, Mary Waumsetta, had a house full of old dolls. Cabinets of tiny dolls and tables of huge standing dolls all with huge glass eyes and real hair. We had high tea there with her children who were in their 70's and seemed somehow older than she did.

So I love my friend Barbara. She's not the same as my Aunt. She goes to lunch in her nightgown and her house is a trailer. But she loves beautiful things especially rings which we have in common. And we talked for several hours about our friend who is trying to gain custody of her grandchild and what we could do to help. Being 80 is being real. It's not some senior waste land. Growing old is not for the weak.

Snake Lake

So like we took the dogs up to Snake Lake to get some exercise and they of course ran a muck in the wet grasses near the water. They had so much fun I couldn't even begrudge letting them back into the truck with their black muddy underbellies.

When we got home we sat in the yard and drank some nice red wine even though it was only 2 in the afternoon. Our cedar tree is having a bumper year of those little seed pods they drop and it was really windy so every now and then we'd get hit by one.

Which got Richard to thinking about how a guy was relaxing under a tree in Golden Gate Park when he was hit by a 16 lb pine cone and as a result is now brain damaged for life. Which just goes to show that the statement "Don't go troubling trouble and trouble won't trouble you," isn't necessarily so.

Sometimes Trouble just knocks you in the head. This happend to us when a friend asked us to be there when her daughter gets served the papers which inform her she's losing temporary custody of her son to her mother. This girl has a temper and I foresee trouble.

This was the trouble that sent us out on our ride to Snake Lake to begin with. Beauty soothes a lot of woes and we felt better seeing the beautiful fall day at the lake. And enjoying our dogs. But I got trouble in mind. But I guess you do what you can for your friends. Secretly I think I'm a fair weather friend. I love when my friends experience fair weather.

mandala

This is my reading after taking the mandala reading above. I thought it was pretty dead on. I gave the test to Richard and not only did I predict which he would pick, it turned out to fit him perfectly as well. So give it a try. Go to www.thefifthelementlife.com. Then drop down the Sacred Seeker menu and pick What's My Mandala Match?

book

So like I thought this was a book about Frieda Kahlo because my eyes are so bad. I thought this was a picture of her. Actually this book is a sweeping saga about a Jewish family on the Island of St. Thomas. So far I'm enjoying it quite a bit even though the language is overlush in places. Sometimes too much of a good thing, well, it's just too much.

I  notice Isabel Allende has another book out called the Japanese Lover. I think I will order this one too. I'm just turning to all my escape writers for some reason. I keep thinking of my friend Elyce wandering through her pretty Dowsett style house cleaning and cooking and wonder if I had a house like that if I would be more like she is? I live in a cozy cabin and am to be found curled up in a chair with my kindle rather than cooking or cleaning.

Elyce even has a painting that she painted over her mantle piece. It is very Bloomsbury. Very Vanessa Bell. I couldn't begin to paint something I'd hang on my own wall! I guess that's why I'm reading escapist fiction. As long as Richard is working on the inside of the house I can't get it cleaned the way I want. To make an art of my life including my house is the goal.

And if I can't get there one way I'll get there another. This is the magnificence of reading.

the fool

So like it's easy to feel the fool when you can't even decide whether to read the new Margaret Atwood book or the new Alice Hoffman book. One is a distopian novel and one magic realism. Plus it's not like these are the only choices. There are thousands of better books out there to read. And what's wrong with reading both?

But I've been undecided all day and consequently have read nothing. I've made three prairie girl dolls for my mom's Christmas presents. I texted Elyce several times. I had a long conversation with Richard about how he did well at the dentist to mention his carpentry skills. Networking is good say all the life coaches and BMI groups.

I spent some quality time with my cat and tried to clean up a little around here. But this book decission is weighing on me. Margaret Atwood never disappoints and Alice Hoffman seems to be tackling a worn out topic (Frieda Kahlo) but I'm leaning toward the Hoffman book.

Maybe I can't commit to the Hoffman book because I don't want to admitt to seeking escapism. I'm already leading a pretty eacapist life. Shouldn't I confront the distopic future? Shoulda, woulda, coulda, these are not the words of the magnificent life. I'm going for the Frieda book. Right now!

update

So my cat's been super clingy since I've been away.  She's looking extra beautiful these days with her Fall hair all grown in. She's plump and fluffy. But she won't leave me alone. She has to sit on me or next to me or at my feet or however she can manage to get up to me. I guess we tend to forget the central role we play in our pets' lives.

In other news my 500 dollar vacuum arrived. It's really much more muscular than the 150 dollar version. And it comes with a lot more bells and whistles. So many attachments that I need a graduate smeniar in how to use them all. I want to change out the rug in my living room but with all my firniture this is quite a chore. We'll see.

I'm winning the battle with the Dark Lady Diet Shasta, at least today. Although right now, just this second, a tall cold one sounds just perfect.

I got a really nice letter from my old life coach giving me a pep talk about living the Question: What If? Instead of the Mantra: If only... I need to think about this again. It really helped me before to reorient my view of my work. What if people really need my view on the world? What if I really do lead a magnificent life?

I do lead a magnificent life. I can do what I want. I just don't know what I want!!!

tape measure

So when I was in Seattle I arrived weighing 130 lbs which is 40 full pounds less than the 50 I gained after I started taking type two anti-pychotic medications which are just terrible about making you gain weight. One girl I knew in the psyche ward had gain 100 lbs. So only gaining 50 was doing pretty well! I was wearing one of the only things I'd saved from my ex husband--his beautiful hand tooled Hawaiian flower leather belt. He was a skinny guy and the belt just fit. But after a few hours in Seattle the damn thing was tight. 

So I ask my friend Elyce what to do and she gets one of Jason's  old belts for me to wear which fits just perfectly. Jason is a skinny dude too but taller than my ex. I wear this belt for the entire time. Then it comes time to leave and I have to squeeze back into my Hawaiian belt. I'm the type of person who needs a belt since my waist is larger than my hips. Luckily I don't have to take it off at security. Elyce had  advised me to stick it in my purse and put it back on in the restroom. 

So I arrive home a full five pounds heavier than when I had left. And now I was about to go eat lunch out! The first thing I did was find the belt that fits me. Then I ordered two pancakes with extra butter which until today had been real butter but today was a butter type substance. I often order this as it is the cheapest thing on the menu. Elyce says butter is good for you. I skip the syrup.

I'm trying to save money after all the money I hemorrhaged up North. I'm a perfect example of penny wise and pound foolish (get it?).

When I get home Richard tells me he had the strangest longing for pancakes right around noon. And he had no idea that was what I had ordered. I have often felt our brain waves leak when we're around each other. We say the same thing at the same time etc.

Anyway I came home and weighed only 133 lbs. Oh P. S. I ordered a diet coke! Bad Lyn!

lunch with the ladies

So tomorrow I'm going to have lunch with the ladies, my two sisters, in fact. Even though we live in a small town we don't get together enough. A study of hopice workers revealed that what the dying regret most is time not spent with their friends and family. Work and blogging comes in a way distant second.

Hence when I got back from Elyce's I asked my sisters to go out to lunch. they surprised me by saying, "love to." So that was great. I got presents for them on my trip!

Subjects we need to cover: the family Thanksgiving to be held in our other sister's Mansion in Reno. What food we need to bring, etc, etc. Who else is going to be there.

My neices and nephews. How they are doing. Who's stressed out and who's actually graduating. My son, the one in danger of not graduating, although he will be killed by an angry mob if he doesn't.

Sister Nancy and her Farm. The one she bought last year in Oregon City and is working like crazy to renovate and farm while working full time and making homemade tofu.

Our Brother Bill, who is letting his two darling children rule the roost. Because he and his wife Jen are older parents of young kids.

Sisters Anne and Amy and how hard they work and how they keep geting promotions at work.

Mom and husband Greg, and how well they are doing.

Any and all shortcomings of those mentioned above which I won't state here. Since I don't want to be killed by an angry mob.

back in the mountains

Back in the mountains again and the first order of business is to clean up around here. The second is to battle the Dark Lady Aspartame. Yesterday I was able to eschew the Dark Lady and drink only the Holy Mother of us all Meadow Valley Water. Today I want Dark Lady diet Shasta. Yesterday the vacuum blew out and I had to order one form Amazon. My only solace is that the 500 dollar model was on sale for $150. Evil Amazon. Some day that outfit will own everything and even a 100 dollaar vacuum will cost 500 dollars. But I need a vacuum, driving to Reno leaves a huge carbon footprint, no vacuums are on sale, blah blah blah.

I"ve already had this current vacuum in the shop twice equal to the price of buying a new one. So when the motor blew I just knew it was over. I try not to just wantonly throw things away. But there is a limit.

So since I can't vacuum I've decided to dust and declutter. This is not as simple as it sounds. I don't have a place for everything and everything in its place. Plus I have a sewing project all spread out over the living room. But anyway that's what I'm doing today. Things have gotten out of hand since I've been away. But how can I do all this work without the pep of the Dark Lady?

up up and away

So I was on the plane wondering who would be my seat mate when along comes the only attractive guy my age and sure enough it's him. I'm determined not to talk to him so I ask if I can lower the arm rest saying I need it to hang onto when we take off. He laughs and says, "I'll leave you to that," and I think smart Alec.

So he plays video solitaire on his phone wearing some adorable reading glasses. I ignore him for two thirds of the trip. But them they bring around the drinks. He orders the free micro brew, and I get a diet coke, and I ask, "Do you live in Reno?"

Turns out he does. He's a mechanic for the fire department of Reno. Has three kids, two boys who are grown and a 13 year old girl who won't talk to him much. He owns several properties with houses on them. He wants to buy a boat because he's retiring in a year and a half. Meanwhile I'm talking too. He's not just blabbing. It's a balanced conversation.

Long short as Elyce likes to say, I think I definitely could have gotten myself a date had I been in the market. So although I'm not and was overjoyed to see Richard waiting patiently for me. I thought gosh even with my gray hair I'm not terribly out of the game. Vanity thy name is Lyn.

eat, pray, love

After this trip, I've definitely completed the "eat" part of my sprirtual journey. I haven't let  myself just eat whatever I wanted without concern for my weight in I don't know how long. Decades. Next I guess I will have to work on the "pray" part of my journey. This will be accomplished by the trip Richard and I will take to the desert.

The desert is always a good place to fast and meditate. Although we never really fast. We always have simple but fine meals out on the road. The desert has this pure pink light in the mornings when you wake up. It's a prayer being out there. You have to slow down. There's no computer or blogging.

As for the "love" part of the formula. I am fortunate to already have love in my life but maybe I can find better ways to express it. Such as keeping the house cleaner. I'm surprised what a domestic goddess my friend Elyce has turned out to be. She cleans and cooks all day long when she's not at work. I could take a page from her book and clean a bit more. Cleanliness is godliness, etc.

I think you can always go on these little spritual journies all the time. You don't need to take a year and travel across the world. Eat, pray love. You do it everyday.

chihuly experience

So I was enthralled with the Chihuly Glass Museum in downtown Seattle. It seems to me that it could become a temple and  Chihulism a religion. If the Mormons can paint the Garden of Eden in their tabernacales, how much more does Chihuly do by painting in three-d the lowly brown stones, the brillant roon of sea anemones, the giant hanging alien beings, all of life is celebrated.

Anyway, I took in the whole experience like a sponge all under the ever present steeple of the Seattle Space Needle. A funny thing about religions, if they just charge you the money up front and then let you in to have the experience of your own soul talking to itself, and then lets you out again with a mild request that you tell your friends about the experience, it works pretty well.

I felt uplifted by the entire afternoon. But like all pilgramiges this one must end. I go home on Sat. But although I will totally miss Elyce and her family, I will be happy to resume my own little life in Meadow Valley with Richard whom I have missed and who has missed me. Going home is not so hard when you have someone waiting for you.

getting my bearings

I'm just getting my bearings and it's almost time to leave! More importantly I'm just getting over the worst of my craving for diet soda and I'm about to leave. I did mention  my friend Elyce has a four year degree in Chinese Medicine? Well she believes that if sugar is the great Satan, fake sugar is the great Satan's evil stepson.

It upsets her so much to see me drinking my usual gallon a day diet soda fix that I have abstained out of politeness and a bit because I do worry about my own health. So I have been plagued the whole time with the specter of a magraine from the withdrawal. I've never drunk so much tea in my life.

The problem is jail house drinking. As soon as I break free from this controlled environment will I just go back to my dirty little habit again? Or will I be able to hold on to the progress I've made this week? This is a magnificence question.

The universe brought me this opportunity to detox from diet soda. Shouldn't I take the opportunity as it has been given to me? I think I'm going to go stock up on a bunch of teas when I get home! Thank you Elyce.

the clock

What I wouldn't give to have my old clock radio form the '70's back! It was the coolest thing of the era. But what I guess I really want is some of that time back. Going to visit friend Susie was a little like that. Her children are lovely as is her husband, but as the evening passed it was just us three girls remembering things that only we three girls ever really knew about.

Susie remembered how my mom showed her how pizza could be made at home from scratch. And we remembered how Elyce's mon used to make us breakfast porkchops if we spent the night at her house. We talked about another friend who had been a super achiever in high school who is now diagnosed with bipolar and is on permanent disablity.

I noticed as we spoke about our mutual friends how many of them had not succeeded in the traditional sense. The prevailing story was that all of us had put our professional lives on hold for our kids. Our kids had been our careers. And we all had very successful, I would say profoundly successful, children. And we ourselves had been at the top of our class at Roosevelt High in Honolulu. But as individuals we stood on pretty finacially shaky ground.

But for all that, it's a celebration to have magnificent children. I think it is a great joy and a satisfaction. And when they are grown and gone it's great to have friends to go shopping with who understand your quest for that certain 1970's clock radio.

first day Seattle

So my friend Elyce has a big beautiful back yard that's just stunning. And her housse reminds me of the house I grew up in on Dowsett Ave. in Honolulu. It is such a pleasure to be here. Her son Noah is like a nephew to me! I feel that much love for him. He's a wonderful musician who plays both the guitar and piano and sings. I feel that my son Steven would be like an older cousin to him that he just hasn't met yet.

Seeing my old friend Kim was really interesting. She has worked for Habitat for Humanity for many years and has traveled the world spending much time in Africa and India. She described going from the Indian Ocean Tsunami to Hurricane Katrina back to back and what a contrast that was. In the first case the focus was on recovering the dead and in the second the focus was on assisting the displaced. To put it bluntly trying to cope with thousands of living evacuated people was harder than dealing with thousands of dead bodies.

This afternoon we spent time drivng around downtown West Seattle as well as touring Pike's Market. We went to this most obscure T-shirt store I've ever encountered. It was down an alley and behind a building and then down a hallway. And it only sold shirts having to do with West Seattle. I bought a houddie for Richard.

Tomorrow we're off to see Susie and her two lovely children! True to form it's now raining in Seattle.

living well

So I think it was Pablo Neruda who said you are just dying slowly if you don't travel, read or eat well and listen to music. Well I'm traveling as we speak. And eating well. Just had a beautiful meal served by my friend Elyce. I've got my kindle and my ipod in my bag. The tools for a magnificent life are so close at hand these days! But I'm going to add good company.

Without good company, even if it's just your own, life's a drag. That's why I'm on this trip. For the company. I'm here to see school friends that I haven't seen in some cases for 20 years. Unfortunately the people you knew in your youth are the people you miss in your middle age.

It's not that I don't have good friends now because I totally do. But there is something about seeing my old friends that delights me. We share so many memories and what one person has forgotten another remembers.

I also want to visit some gardens and an antique jewelry store for my other blog. But these things are incidental to the conversation. I just want to talk and listen to what has happended to my friends over all these years that seem like they have passed so swiftly. The main story of my life thus far has been the story of my son. But one of my friends has no children so I wonder what her life has brought her.

When I get back from this trip I'm going to go camping with my husband in our trailer. I always miss him so badly. In fact I have sworn off visiting without him in the future because he misses me too much. When we go to the desert to camp I will bring along some Pablo Neruda. Since all we do is talk, listen to music, eat well, and read.

jitters

I don't know if you're like me but the day before I travel I am full of anxiety. Once I'm on my way I feel better. But the waiting is the hardest part as they say. So I have almost everything packed. I know what to wear on the plane. So I should be feeling on top of things right?

I've read that these things help: Gratitude. Mindfulness. Naming the problem. The human touch.

So I recited what I'm grateful for: being able to go on this trip at all. For having a home. For my husband who will miss me. For my friends.

I'm trying to just stay in the moment. Connect with the breath. Expand the time before stimulus and response.

I'm naming the problem: Fear

And I'm giving my husband a lot of hugs and kisses!

But the best thing was that I got a phone call from my friend Elyce and she just cracked me up about what it was like to be a kid in our house growing up. About how my dad made coffee cake every weekend and rang a bell to get us to the table. About how we all had to squeeze into one old blue station wagon to get around. And how at any minute one of the sisters would stomp up the stairs saying she just couldn't take it anymore. And about how much she loved it all. Laughter is the best medicine. Plus some Klonopin.

pilgrimage

So I think I mentioned that I'm going on a trip to Seattle. But this is really a pilgrimage which is defined as a trip to a sacred place. Not that Seattle's not great and everything but I'm really going there to honor a friendship that is almost as old as I am. Elyce and I are like sisters and we were inseprable from elmentary school through college and beyond. Then we both moved to the mainland, that great separator of island friends. We both had one son but they don't even now each other! Mine is nearly 27 and Elyce's son is 16.

Elyce saved me from the fabled "kill hoale day" which was everyday of Island public school. I only got really attacked once when Elyce went off to Disneyland and a boy named Jon Inafuku tried to beat me up for "acting wise" which meant being a smart alec. Which I was. He managed to kick me into the facet where the janitors filled up their mop bucket, and I got a little bit wet. Then my other hoale friend shouted, "Elyce is coming," and he ran away.

The great part about this story is that years later when I was married, I got in line behind Jon Inafuku at Safeway, and I towered above him! He never grew since the fifth grade! And I'm only five foot-two!

But that's really beside the point. Elyce was an only child but she was tough and even just envoking her name brought results. She is a super talented musician. And became the girl singer for a very popular band called the Pagan Babies. So I spent many nights in the bar where they played.

But words can't come close to describing our friendship which depended on so many lunches out at King's Bakery chatting about boys and other girls and clothes and jewelry. I have missed her so much over the last twenty year that typing this is making me cry. We have so much to talk about and only a week! More soon.

list day

So it was Richard's Birthday. He said he was tired of being 75 and had decided to turn 76. We like to drive out to Portola on his birthday because he was born there. We used to go wander around the old abandoned hospital building, but that was burned down a few years ago by a vandal so now we go to the Hospital Thrift Store also known as the Nifty Trifty.

Richard did not find anything for his birthday but he did buy me a necklace, a bracelet, and ring and a pin. How's that for a birthday that isn't even yours?

Then we drove home after a drivng tour of the old homes of Portola, and the fall leaves were really starting to show. I had some more marvelous cole slaw for lunch and then lay down for a nap, listening to Crosby, Stills, and Nash, in particular the Southern Cross which I just love, and I couldn't believe I was listening to music that is 40 years old.

My friend in Seattle is really musical, and I'm going to have to get her to recommend some new music for me to listen to. (note to self)

We had a birthday dinner at my mom and stepdad's house which was delicious. We decided to re-up our earthquake insurance. Oh yeah I picked up a suitcase from my sister that I need for my trip. I need to pick up a box of Mrs. Carey's Candy to take to Seattle (note to self).

It was one of those list type of days, lacking a central theme. Not bad and yet not cohesive.

That kinda day

It's been the kind of day where when you're on pop patrol you step in it and it gets ground in deeply into the grooves of your boots. But like it's OK for some reason. I mean you just take it in stride (so to speak). Just like you take in stride doing a hundred little favors for your husband who's up on a ladder and doesn't want to come down.

You call your elderly friend to say you don't have time for lunch this week and she tells you she loves you! And you get all your little prairie dolls stitched for your mother. And it's clouding over so you have to turn the heater on. But it's kind of cozy.

Just a rather magnificent day where the word lazy doesn't exist. The Jahovah Wittness are nice and say they'll come back later. Cuz you're not really dressed for company. And you eat some marvelous cole slaw for lunch. Then you turn your bed heater on and read for a couple of hours.

And finally it's time to talk with your husband about the biography you are writing about him. And although you've heard the stories before there's always some new nuance that you missed before. And you wonder if you'll ever be able to capture such a magnificent life....

goal

These are some things that can keep you from your goals:  Lack of emotional engagement with your goal, passion. Lack of deadlines. Lack of accountability. Lack of flow, focus. Fear of failure, perfectionism.

I think I suffer from all these factors in part because of the psyche drugs I'm on. I know my focus is affected. For several years I was unable to read at all. Now I can read almost anything. This has come with a reduction in meds.

But my writing is still impacted. The only passion I have for writing right now is for my blogs. I'm trying to get back to my two plays but am having a hard time achieving that flow. And I wish I still had my life coach to help me with deadlines. It's so nice to get deadlines imposed on one from outside one's self.

And I fear failure. I often ask myself, who really cares about this work? So what if I don't get it done?
The result of all of this is that I appear to myself as lazy. I have to build up the passion for my work again. And that's what I think my mood stablizer drugs inhibit. They keep me from being manic, sure, but being a little manic was when I was exuberant and excited about life. Passionate one might say.

Along with mania comes risk taking behavior which is good for an artist! And focus! My gosh, I become obsessed. But I don't dare risk my stablity. Because getting manic always has it's cost. My Bipolar is pretty much in remission. If only I weren't so lazy.

farm

I read in the news this morning about how a little girl was found sleeping out on her great grandparent's farm after having been lost all weekend. I can't imagine how scary that must have been for all concerned but it gives me an idea for a story. It would be a kind of Aice Hoffman type story where this little lost girl isn't traumatized by getting lost but instead is empowered by it and develops a preternateral relationship with the farmland. She grows up to inheriet the land and the story goes on from there.

I guess this interests me so much because I lived in North Eastern Ohio when I was in high school where this story took place. And one of my best memories ever is going to a party at an old beautiful farm in that area. It was like magic. I'm not sure I have the words to recreate this experience. The house was a beautiful white farm house with a wrap around porch set near an orchard which was flowering. This was a late spring graduation party for the grand-daughter of the family.

Inside the house there were many old white haired ladies wearing pastels dresses as if they had juct arrived from church. It might have been on a Sunday actually. The table in the dining room was filled with homemade traditional food, ham, potato salads, beans, cooked vegetables, green salads and all kinds of pies. Another table was loaded with gifts for the graduate.

I went outside to explore a bit and met the graduate's younger borther. He took me on his motocycle all over the farm. He was just really nice and cute too. The graduate was one of those too cool tall blonde girls who would never talk to me so you can imagine my shock at how nice her borther was. But I was just interested in that land there. And so curious about how it must be to come from such a life. Anyway soon the party was over. But it has stuck with me for over 30 years as a beautiful thing.

young love

So I'm going to visit my girlfriend in Seattle. She has a 16 year old son and wants my advice being as my son is nearly 27. She is particularly interested in what to do about his relationship issues. My son became involved with his current girlfriend when he was only 17. So I'm glad I handled it OK from the beginning. Since it has turned out to be a long term situation.

What I did was let Ashley call all the shots. I figured that Steven would choose a life partner over me and I was right. My job was to accept his decision and to support the welfare of both parties. I just try to love them both and not interfere at all with any of their decisions. I don't always agree with them. But getting into an argument just means I see and hear less of both of them. Steven and Ashely are a team and their loyalty is to each other first.

This is what my friend does not understand. She still thinks her role as mother will trump any role her son's partner will play at this point and maybe it will for a while. But at some point it won't so I say get used to it now.

As for inquiring into your child's sexuality, Ashley taught my nieces and nephews to always say on principle that they're bi. This has worked really well in our family. It's magnificnet really to see the next generation unfold.

Fall of the mall

I'm fascinated by this whole "fall of the mall" phenomena. I remember in the late '80's my sister and I would pack up my son and his stroller and hit the mall every Sunday morning. We'd get a cinnabun and a mocha latta and sit and talk and then spend a couple of hours in the book store before heading home. It was our Sunday ritual.

But I don't think I've been to a mall in a decade. And like my other sister says, "I don't shop, I order."
When I want a book I look it up on Amazon and have it delivered to my kindle. There is no tempation to buy a fancy new journal or calendar. Or a book of poems. Or an art book on the remainder table. And who needs all those books lying around anyway? If I want to look at pictures, I've got Pinterest.

I like having all my credit cards paid off. And I like spending time sitting right outside my door. But I miss my sister's company. These days we mostly text each other. As for my son, he's nearly 27 and I rarely hear from him at all.

So while I hate the idea of going into the gloomy false light of a mall, and while I think the fall of the mall is generally a good thing for Americans, being that anything that de-consumerizes us can only be a good thing, I miss those Sunday rituals. I'm sure that is what my mother would say church is for and yet another of my sisters just joined my mom's church choir.

I'm sure living magnificently would involve going to a church but there's no church liberal enough for me in this town. And I like spending Sundays with my husband and he won't go to church. So on Sundays I have a ritual of trying to keep up with my email. Connect not consume is a magnificnet rule for Sundays!

abundance

So today I had a magnificent experience of abundance. I opened a sewing basket to find dozens of wooden spools of thread that I forgot I had. They are perfect for my praire girl sewing project. All the old colors make the new tread look garish. This could mean I have too much stuff. But it was just the right stuff today. I know we are all trending toward a thing free environment. I however like an information rich environment--that means I like a lot to see. But still I do understand that we should get rid of clutter.

Today I read in the paper aboout "the fall of the mall" and I thought that that meme of the girls with all their shopping bags hasn't been in my consciousness for a while. I also read a survey that said today's women rather have electronics than jewelry for gifts! Ah shocking! (Check out my other jewelry blog.) I think that when you can hold a lot of imagery in your computer or tablet you don't need to buy so much actual stuff. You can just choose the few things you actually want to manifest in your material world.

I think our environmental consciousness is finally getting to us. I buy most of what I want from thrift stores and for jewelry from artisans. I think living magnificently has something to do with abundance but not clutter. I experienced that today with all that cool old thread that was just waiting for me in my sewing box. And if I put it back where it belongs when I'm done with it, it's not clutter is it?

rainy day

It was a rainy day, and I spent it sewing and embroidering the little prairie girl needle holders my mom wants to send all the girls and women in our family. The number is 25 total, and I have gotten 3 made today. These little things were first made by my great grandmother. I try to imagine teaching Ashley how to make these items and she in turn teaching my hypothetical grand-daughter how, and I don't really see it. I can imagine having a very computer literate grandchild but one who knows how to hand sew? Still  you never know. My sister Marty's girls are amazing kniters and quilters.

There is something about working with your hands that settles your soul especially when you are in a state like I am now which is waiting for my writing muse to come back. With the days growing so short I will have to start using my Apollo Go Lamp or light box. This is a little box that shines UV light into your eyes and helps to make up for the lack of sunlight. I usually use it twice a day.

In other news I'm very glad to have my cat back. She slipped out last night at twilight, and I didn't see her until dawn. She usually spends the night inside because we lost our last beautiful kitty to a predator. And this kitty we have now seldom goes beyond the front yard. So when I got up at 3 am to look for her and she wasn't at the door I was certain we'd lost her. This goes to show how quickly my mind jumps to catastrophe. Anxiety is a close relation to Bipolar and of the drugs I take, many have an anti-anxiety componant. I think these drugs are responsible for dulling my brain. To live magnificently is to accept the unacceptable and be happy anyway. I have a very hard time accepting what these drugs have done to my life. But still this has been a lovely rainy day. And I'm glad I had something to do.

post birthday

So I had a really nice birthday. What was really nice was that both my son and his girlfriend, who is like a daughter to me having been in the family for ten years now, called me without my having to remind them. The little fledglings are taking off!

Richard and I bought a beautiful cake and some ice cream. Then we took the dogs out on a run. It was an old fashioned kind of day. Time spent in the woods where the oaks and dogwoods are starting to turn. Gathered a few pieces of firewood. No wildlife to be seen probably because hunting season has started.

Still you have to love the electronic birthday. Emails are great. But you haven't had a birthday until you've experienced a Facebook birthday. I got greetings from Afghanistan, France, and Honolulu not to mention all over the US of A. It's overwheming really, how many people bother to send you their well wishes. It's really sweet in this day and age.

As for starting a whole new year, I think it's magnificent not to begin with a whole new list of resolutions the way I usually do.