Bipolar

So today is my birthday and I have decided to share on this blog that I suffer from Bipolar I illness. This past year has been my most stable yet. I was a little manic this summer, just enough to get some real work done. By that I mean writing. I can't hold a real job because of my illness. I'd like to stay in that just "right" mania all the time but the body won't stand for it. You either go over the top into full fledged manic psychosis or crash into a deep depression. As it was I had a mini crash and have not been able to write since.

So I'm waiting on the muse which usually means a slight lift in my mood. Then the words jsut come together and I'm on cloud nine. This is unlikely to happen heading into the dark months of the year. I do better with the long days of summer.

Being stable means impoverishing your life. When I'm manic I'm a very social person. Staying calm means not getting too excited which means I have to stay home a lot. Socializing revs me up. Getting reved up means taking more meds. Taking more meds means getting dumber and not being able to read much less write. These are the rules of stability.

grateful

I'm just sitting here in the sunshine feeling grateful.  Tomorrow is my birthday and I get to think of how I want to spend the next year. The first thing is that I'm going to Seattle to visit my best friend from elementary school, Elyce. I really want to spend time getting to know her teenaged son, Noah. Next I want to take a camping trip with Richard out to the Smoke Creek desert. Sometimes the muse really speaks to me out there. And I love the desert light and the vast loneliness. Next I want to go to the Bay Area to visit my sister Amy and my Kids and Richard's long time friend.

By then the Holidays will be approaching. I always do well through those sparkling days. I love the sparkling lights, the gifts, the cards, the trees, the music, just everything about the holidays. But after that comes the production months. January through May. I have to figure out how to get some work done during that time.

My passion is my jewelry blog. But I don't know how to go any further with that than I have already. I think what I'll do is let myself off the hook for the future and just enjoy today. It's so beautiful. And I just feel so happy and grateful to have seen my family this weekend. We had a really nice family party. Amy was up for the weekend and everyone had such a good time. I've read that when people are on their death beds what they regret most is time not spent with loved ones. Work is a way distant second concern.

walk

This morning was a perfect day for a 3 mile walk with my two sisters and our three dogs. I used to walk this path almost every day and my doc told me if I kept doing that I'd live forever. The walk felt good today, and I really should take it up on a regular basis once again. I think it would help my creative life. I find that walking helps me to solve writing problems.

Virginia Woolf used to walk when she got stuck in her work as did numerous other writers. It's just easy not to exercise when it's too hot or too cold. But these fall days are perfect. So I will challenge myself just to walk while the weather is nice. I won't make any draconian vows that I can't keep. Usually I'm very black and white: I will walk everyday forever or I will not walk at all.

It was a wonderful morning for a walk. Cool with golden grasses, evergreens, and faint traces of the beginning of fall color. The dogs were smiling the whole way, running back and forth into the woods and up and down the embankments. They plunged happily into what was left of the creeks.

To live magnificently means doing what you enjoy. I enjoyed walking today in this pleasant weather so I will walk again when it feels nice.

TV

Well it's been this kind of day for me. I wrote a short poem in the morning then settled in for a day of binge TV watching. Now I think I deserve this because I NEVER watch TV ordinarily. I haven't since I was a child. We didn't have one growing up so I never got into the habbit of it. And we don't have TV now. I do have Amazon Prime but mainly for the free shipping and the Kindle library. Watching the Wire is the first time I've ever used the video sevice. My son recommended this show to me even though it's really old because he thinks it's one of the best things on television. I couldn't say if he's right. But I have enjoyed the show.

I like the season I'm in now (four) because it has a lot to do with education and I remember the days when I would have felt good enough about my teaching to enter a inner city school like that and face down a classroom of chaotic teens. Those days are long gone but it's fun to watch.

Later in the day when my internet stopped streaming like it always does in the later part of the day because of other internet users in Meadow Valley, I had dinner with Richard and we read the San Fran Chron. We read this horrible article about how plastic and fiber survives inside of fish and ends up in dinners served at Bay Area restaurants. And we cracked each other up by ordering such dishes as "the Corduroy of Sole" and the "Rayon Special." Plus a little caviar of blue mircro beads.

What a seriously sick situation. Is there ever any reason to eat fish? I know we used to like it back in the 80's. But now, I mean really. With radiation, plastics, clothing fibers, and the general decline of fisheries everywhere, can't we just say no to fish?

Anyway I just sort of curled up and stayed home today with no expectations of myself. I get to watch TV. Millions of Americans do everyday. Tonight I already read most of this week's New Yorker. And now I'm going to get back to my book on Obama's mother. So I don't think the TV has done any permanent damage. Has it?

The muse

Well I wrote a poem today. Not a good poem. Not even an OK poem. But still the muse was in the room. This meant I palyed hookie from my mindfulness class for which I feel guilty. I hate letting down a teacher. And it strikes me that in Quincy people just aren't very committed to anything and this includes me. Anything demanding of my attendance feels too much like church which I had way too much of growing up. Still I feel guilty for doing what I want to do. Like doing what I want is wasting my life. So there's the paradox I did what I thought I lived to do, but I feel guilty about it. I guess if the poem were really great I could justify not going to my class. But anything short of genius doesn't deserve my time and attention.

Still really? It feels good to have had the muse in the room. Maybe she'll come back and visit me again tomorrow. If in addition to this blog I leave an half hour for the muse I might make some progress in turtle steps. How will I know if I don't try? Living magnificently is living your life in enjoyment. My guilt is not adding to my enjoyment but my new poem is. Because I think I can do better tomorrow. I'm just warming up so to speak. Now I have to stay in the pool and do a few laps. I could even go for that Epic win and finish something!

more mindfulness

So I went to the free mindfulness class again yesterday. This morning I wasn't feeling too magnificent. Actually I was kind of anxious. My sister reminded me that I'm always like this in September as the days grow shorter. So I did two things. One: I used my breath as an anchor and tried to really feel who I was. Two: I reminded myself of the definition of magificence which is just living your life with enjoyment.

Then I watched three episodes of the Wire, my new show, which is a really old show that I've never seen. It's pretty good, and I like seeing all the old technology. Then I made some of my special not too sweet cookies, then I started a book about Obama's mother. Then I took a nap.

I could have really had a magnificent day had I gone to the happy hour I was invited to by my old life coach, Katie. But I was feeling too anxious to go out. I think it is a magnificent thing to tell myself that I will try to do it next time. In fact I'll write Katie and ask her to keep me on the guest list.

I have mindfulness class tomorrow and then I will visit my elderly friend, Barb. I have to remember that there will be these days that seem wasted. As I wait for inspiration to tickle my curiosity just enough to lead me into another project. But that's the creative process. In fact just typing this down made me realize that the phrase "Mental Health" has been going through my mind all day. And just now I realize that I had started a whole new project last year about this time, and I feel excitment going through my veins. I had totally forgotten about this project. It's a long poem about being in a psyche ward. I'll have to sneak up on this piece and see if it will let me back in. Turtle steps as Katie says.

Magificence

This is a really fun book to read! It's about a lady who inherits a huge old house in Pasadena. I'll try not to spoil it for you. But the house is full of wonderful but ill kept treasures. Buried in the basement is literally the key to our human history. When you read about houses your are of course really reading about selves. This we know from Jung who says that if you dream of a house with a secret room it is really a additional part of yourself you need to explore. But it's just so luscious to get to see a character do this detail by detail. And to think the lady thought she might move to a condo on the beach!
Anyway what I love about this story is that the main character doesn't have to do anything to get this house. She just inherits it from an uncle she never knew. And no one can take it away from her. And when she starts paying attention to the treasures inside herself they come back to life to the extent that any old memories can. And as she digs deeper inside herself/house she comes to find the mythic beginnings of the human story. Things she never thought existed or had believed became extinct long ago.
I think the treasures in the house are her memories of her experiences in life. The stories she once knew about herself but then ignored as she became estranged from her inner life. And I think this book is saying that we all have inherited such a house. We all can imagine learning about ourselves as inheriting a grandly beautiful old neglected house. But we can fix it up! Our house/self can come back to life. That's why I'm sitting here trying to work on this blog and on my own Magnificence.