goal

These are some things that can keep you from your goals:  Lack of emotional engagement with your goal, passion. Lack of deadlines. Lack of accountability. Lack of flow, focus. Fear of failure, perfectionism.

I think I suffer from all these factors in part because of the psyche drugs I'm on. I know my focus is affected. For several years I was unable to read at all. Now I can read almost anything. This has come with a reduction in meds.

But my writing is still impacted. The only passion I have for writing right now is for my blogs. I'm trying to get back to my two plays but am having a hard time achieving that flow. And I wish I still had my life coach to help me with deadlines. It's so nice to get deadlines imposed on one from outside one's self.

And I fear failure. I often ask myself, who really cares about this work? So what if I don't get it done?
The result of all of this is that I appear to myself as lazy. I have to build up the passion for my work again. And that's what I think my mood stablizer drugs inhibit. They keep me from being manic, sure, but being a little manic was when I was exuberant and excited about life. Passionate one might say.

Along with mania comes risk taking behavior which is good for an artist! And focus! My gosh, I become obsessed. But I don't dare risk my stablity. Because getting manic always has it's cost. My Bipolar is pretty much in remission. If only I weren't so lazy.

farm

I read in the news this morning about how a little girl was found sleeping out on her great grandparent's farm after having been lost all weekend. I can't imagine how scary that must have been for all concerned but it gives me an idea for a story. It would be a kind of Aice Hoffman type story where this little lost girl isn't traumatized by getting lost but instead is empowered by it and develops a preternateral relationship with the farmland. She grows up to inheriet the land and the story goes on from there.

I guess this interests me so much because I lived in North Eastern Ohio when I was in high school where this story took place. And one of my best memories ever is going to a party at an old beautiful farm in that area. It was like magic. I'm not sure I have the words to recreate this experience. The house was a beautiful white farm house with a wrap around porch set near an orchard which was flowering. This was a late spring graduation party for the grand-daughter of the family.

Inside the house there were many old white haired ladies wearing pastels dresses as if they had juct arrived from church. It might have been on a Sunday actually. The table in the dining room was filled with homemade traditional food, ham, potato salads, beans, cooked vegetables, green salads and all kinds of pies. Another table was loaded with gifts for the graduate.

I went outside to explore a bit and met the graduate's younger borther. He took me on his motocycle all over the farm. He was just really nice and cute too. The graduate was one of those too cool tall blonde girls who would never talk to me so you can imagine my shock at how nice her borther was. But I was just interested in that land there. And so curious about how it must be to come from such a life. Anyway soon the party was over. But it has stuck with me for over 30 years as a beautiful thing.

young love

So I'm going to visit my girlfriend in Seattle. She has a 16 year old son and wants my advice being as my son is nearly 27. She is particularly interested in what to do about his relationship issues. My son became involved with his current girlfriend when he was only 17. So I'm glad I handled it OK from the beginning. Since it has turned out to be a long term situation.

What I did was let Ashley call all the shots. I figured that Steven would choose a life partner over me and I was right. My job was to accept his decision and to support the welfare of both parties. I just try to love them both and not interfere at all with any of their decisions. I don't always agree with them. But getting into an argument just means I see and hear less of both of them. Steven and Ashely are a team and their loyalty is to each other first.

This is what my friend does not understand. She still thinks her role as mother will trump any role her son's partner will play at this point and maybe it will for a while. But at some point it won't so I say get used to it now.

As for inquiring into your child's sexuality, Ashley taught my nieces and nephews to always say on principle that they're bi. This has worked really well in our family. It's magnificnet really to see the next generation unfold.

Fall of the mall

I'm fascinated by this whole "fall of the mall" phenomena. I remember in the late '80's my sister and I would pack up my son and his stroller and hit the mall every Sunday morning. We'd get a cinnabun and a mocha latta and sit and talk and then spend a couple of hours in the book store before heading home. It was our Sunday ritual.

But I don't think I've been to a mall in a decade. And like my other sister says, "I don't shop, I order."
When I want a book I look it up on Amazon and have it delivered to my kindle. There is no tempation to buy a fancy new journal or calendar. Or a book of poems. Or an art book on the remainder table. And who needs all those books lying around anyway? If I want to look at pictures, I've got Pinterest.

I like having all my credit cards paid off. And I like spending time sitting right outside my door. But I miss my sister's company. These days we mostly text each other. As for my son, he's nearly 27 and I rarely hear from him at all.

So while I hate the idea of going into the gloomy false light of a mall, and while I think the fall of the mall is generally a good thing for Americans, being that anything that de-consumerizes us can only be a good thing, I miss those Sunday rituals. I'm sure that is what my mother would say church is for and yet another of my sisters just joined my mom's church choir.

I'm sure living magnificently would involve going to a church but there's no church liberal enough for me in this town. And I like spending Sundays with my husband and he won't go to church. So on Sundays I have a ritual of trying to keep up with my email. Connect not consume is a magnificnet rule for Sundays!

abundance

So today I had a magnificent experience of abundance. I opened a sewing basket to find dozens of wooden spools of thread that I forgot I had. They are perfect for my praire girl sewing project. All the old colors make the new tread look garish. This could mean I have too much stuff. But it was just the right stuff today. I know we are all trending toward a thing free environment. I however like an information rich environment--that means I like a lot to see. But still I do understand that we should get rid of clutter.

Today I read in the paper aboout "the fall of the mall" and I thought that that meme of the girls with all their shopping bags hasn't been in my consciousness for a while. I also read a survey that said today's women rather have electronics than jewelry for gifts! Ah shocking! (Check out my other jewelry blog.) I think that when you can hold a lot of imagery in your computer or tablet you don't need to buy so much actual stuff. You can just choose the few things you actually want to manifest in your material world.

I think our environmental consciousness is finally getting to us. I buy most of what I want from thrift stores and for jewelry from artisans. I think living magnificently has something to do with abundance but not clutter. I experienced that today with all that cool old thread that was just waiting for me in my sewing box. And if I put it back where it belongs when I'm done with it, it's not clutter is it?

rainy day

It was a rainy day, and I spent it sewing and embroidering the little prairie girl needle holders my mom wants to send all the girls and women in our family. The number is 25 total, and I have gotten 3 made today. These little things were first made by my great grandmother. I try to imagine teaching Ashley how to make these items and she in turn teaching my hypothetical grand-daughter how, and I don't really see it. I can imagine having a very computer literate grandchild but one who knows how to hand sew? Still  you never know. My sister Marty's girls are amazing kniters and quilters.

There is something about working with your hands that settles your soul especially when you are in a state like I am now which is waiting for my writing muse to come back. With the days growing so short I will have to start using my Apollo Go Lamp or light box. This is a little box that shines UV light into your eyes and helps to make up for the lack of sunlight. I usually use it twice a day.

In other news I'm very glad to have my cat back. She slipped out last night at twilight, and I didn't see her until dawn. She usually spends the night inside because we lost our last beautiful kitty to a predator. And this kitty we have now seldom goes beyond the front yard. So when I got up at 3 am to look for her and she wasn't at the door I was certain we'd lost her. This goes to show how quickly my mind jumps to catastrophe. Anxiety is a close relation to Bipolar and of the drugs I take, many have an anti-anxiety componant. I think these drugs are responsible for dulling my brain. To live magnificently is to accept the unacceptable and be happy anyway. I have a very hard time accepting what these drugs have done to my life. But still this has been a lovely rainy day. And I'm glad I had something to do.

post birthday

So I had a really nice birthday. What was really nice was that both my son and his girlfriend, who is like a daughter to me having been in the family for ten years now, called me without my having to remind them. The little fledglings are taking off!

Richard and I bought a beautiful cake and some ice cream. Then we took the dogs out on a run. It was an old fashioned kind of day. Time spent in the woods where the oaks and dogwoods are starting to turn. Gathered a few pieces of firewood. No wildlife to be seen probably because hunting season has started.

Still you have to love the electronic birthday. Emails are great. But you haven't had a birthday until you've experienced a Facebook birthday. I got greetings from Afghanistan, France, and Honolulu not to mention all over the US of A. It's overwheming really, how many people bother to send you their well wishes. It's really sweet in this day and age.

As for starting a whole new year, I think it's magnificent not to begin with a whole new list of resolutions the way I usually do.